its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
