i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Houston, we have a blender
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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