My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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