I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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