Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
