actually, I'm a sock model
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
