Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
