I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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