I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
