um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
