I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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