What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
