Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
