I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
