dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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