if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
