The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
