Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
