y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
