think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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