I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
