My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
