there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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