You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
