I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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