i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
