I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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