He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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