why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
