My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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