I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
