And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
