the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
