I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
