I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
