i was born a porn star she said
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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