he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i love accidental penises.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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