The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
