At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
