guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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