Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
