Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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