Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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