the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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