And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
