Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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