I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
