I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
