Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
