We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
