we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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