I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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