I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
