I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
