In the future we'll all be gay
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
