I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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