Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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