If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
