She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
